How Much Do I Need to Know About My Potential Spouse’s Sexual Past?

I have been posed this exact question more than a dozen time as a pastor in different conversations & context. I really enjoyed how Dr. Moore answered the question about revealing sexual history to our potential future spouse. Dr. Moore's response is balanced and gospel-centered. I hope this article challenges and encourages you.

Blessings,
Pastor David Kim

"How Much Do I Need to Know About My Potential Spouse’s Sexual Past?" by Dr. Russell D. Moore (http://www.russellmoore.com/)


"Dear Dr. Moore,

I am a young single Christian woman. I made a commitment at a very young age to remain sexually chaste, and I’ve done so. I have dated other boys, but always just in groups in a very casual setting. Now, however, I am seeing a young Christian man who seems great in every way. We have dated for about a month, and I really like him. He treats my family (my father is deceased but my mother and sisters live near me) great, and all my friends like him.

Here’s my question. I am wondering what his sexual past looks like, in order to know what I’m getting into. Has he been with other women, sexually? If so, how many and in what way? Has he ever had a problem with pornography? With every week that goes by, I’m more and more in love with him, and I’m afraid to keep getting my hopes up only to have them dashed when we’re right at the point of marriage.

I’m not saying that any particular information would necessarily kill the relationship, but I’d sure like to know something about this to know what I’m getting myself into. It sure seems awkward, though, to say, “So tell me about your sex life?” Would that be forcing too much intimacy too soon? Is it right for a woman to be so forward with a man who’s not her husband? Do I ever need to know this?

My question: should I ask him about his past? If so, how should I ask it, and at what point in the relationship?

True Love Waiting

Dear True,

First of all, I agree with you that this is something important for you to know, should this man become your husband. His body and his sexuality, the Bible says, will belong to you (1 Cor. 7:4). Moreover, the sexual union is not, whatever our broken culture might try to think, simply a neurological or even emotional response. The sexual union, mysteriously, forms a personal union (1 Cor. 6:16). Your husband’s “past” will, in a very real sense, become part of your story too.

Having said that, though, this question can be very dangerous for you, at this point. As you seem to recognize, dating is about discerning whether someone would be a good prospect for marriage. I’ve seen several budding relationships wrecked by a “DTR” (”define the relationship” talk) about such matters that formed, prematurely, an inappropriate emotional intimacy.

I do not think, at this time, you need to delve into the details (or lack thereof) of his past. What’s important for you to know is how he views sexual immorality. A man who will brush off past fornication as “no big deal” from which he’s “moved on” is a man with a conscience trained to do the same thing with future adultery.

I would recommend asking this man what his convictions are about protecting himself, and his future marriage, from sexual immorality. You might ask him how he would counsel his son to flee pornography or other forms of immorality. I think you’ll be able to gauge a lot from the wisdom and gravity (or lack thereof) he displays.

As the discernment process continues, though, your need to know further will expand. By that time, you will know more about the character and trajectory of this man.

There’s a really critical peril here though.

On the one hand, a man who glibly dismisses his past immorality is dangerous, for your future marriage and your future children.

On the other hand, your dismissing him automatically on the basis of immorality is also dangerous. If he is repentant, seeing his past sin as hell-deserving but crucified, then you should receive him (all else being equal), just as you have been received.

You are not “owed” a virgin because you are. Your sexual purity wasn’t part of a quid pro quo in which God would guarantee you a sexually unbroken man. Your sexual purity is your obligation as a creature of God. And you have rebelled at other points, and been forgiven. If you believe the gospel, you believe the gospel for everyone, and not just for yourself.

If your future husband is repentant, and forgiven, and yet you are “tortured” by the thoughts of his past, then the issue for you is one of personal pride and a refusal to see oneself as a gospel-forgiven sinner.

The issue for you with your future husband is discerning whether there are ongoing patterns, whether he agrees with God about the severity of this sin, and whether he has been cleansed from it by Golgotha Hill blood and Garden Tomb power.

Jesus was a virgin. His Bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway."

Retreat Promo

by Tim Yu

Thank you Tim for your hard work on this cool video!

PR1ME Retreat Information

Mark your calendar for March 26-28 (Fri - Sun). PR1ME Retreat is coming up very soon. Our guest speaker is Pastor James Yim from Living Way Community Church. The retreat will be held at Pinecrest Christian Conference Center at the Lakeside Chapel. The cost of the retreat is $105 (hotel style accommodations). Registration begins on 2/21 during our BBQ PR1METIM3 at the School. For more information, please contact Pastor David Kim.

Important Registration Dates

February 21 - $105
February 28 - $105
March 7 - $105
March 14 - $120
March 21 - $120 (Last Day to Register)

Photo of Lakeside Chapel

Photos of the Chapel




Photos of the Suites





Map of the Conference Center


Word from Pastor David
I want to issue a challenge for those of your who are in the PR1ME Ministry to make every effort to attend this year’s spring retreat. I humbly ask that you clear out your schedules for the days March 26 – 28 and make a sincere effort to come and worship the Lord. Without excuses, without feelings of apprehension, just come to the retreat with a desire to grow in the Lord. I have a burden to see you all attend because the messages will be specifically focused on developing your spiritual lives as single adults.

Our theme this year is “Undivided” from 1 Corinthians 7:35 which says, “I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

In this verse, Paul is speaking to the singles in the Church of Corinth. He says that singles have a unique gift in that their affections for God do not have to compete with the affections one might have for a spouse or for children. In this way, singles have a greater ability to give full devotion, full commitment, undivided affection to the Lord.

For this year’s retreat, we are very fortunate to learn from Pastor James Yim of Living Way Community Church (www.lwccla.org), where he currently serves as the lead pastor. I attended seminary with Pastor James and have witnessed his dedication to preaching the Word of God. He is a gifted teacher, speaking in truth with great clarity and relevance for the Christian life. Up at the retreat, he will deliver four messages – you really don’t want to miss this opportunity to soak in great teaching.

Just come. Together, let's intensify our devotion to Lord as we seek to give Him our UNDIVIDED affection.

Reflection on Soul Care Retreat

by Steve Hong

The Soul Care Retreat I attended last weekend arrived on the heels of a brutal work week. I had been anticipating the solitude and silence since even before last Christmas, so I didn’t need another reason to look forward to it. Even the never-ending rain leading up to the weekend wasn’t enough to dampen my outlook.

Some things I experienced at the retreat will remain between me and my Creator. Some things will remain amongst the five of us who were there. But some things should be shared with those who prayed for and remembered us over the weekend. Here are a few of those things:

• God is good. He unexpectedly opened the door for a brother to join the group on very short notice. He watched over us as we journeyed up the windy and slippery roads in inclement weather with chains on the wrong tires. He withheld the rain and snow and supplanted the clouds with the bluest of skies once we awoke on Saturday.

• God is patient. He waited for me for nearly two hours as I misunderstood silence to be merely the absence of sound and solitude to be simply being by myself. He spoke but only seven words to me during our morning session because my mind was noisy with burdens and pains and self-centeredness. He chose words that were few but which could not have been more perfect.

• God is beautiful. He reached out me with so many beautiful Psalms which capture my heart’s desires and shortcomings and his heart’s desires and sufficiency. He blessed me with the beautiful companionship of others who were likeminded. He showed me that refuge and rest under his wings is indeed beautiful.

• God is my shepherd. He restores and comforts my soul and provides a roadmap through the valleys that surely lay ahead. He disciplines me when I stray, finds me when lost, and heals me when injured. He meets my every need despite me not knowing it.

I’m thankful I found communion with God this past weekend. But I was surprised to find sweet fellowship as well, and for that I am thankful still. I look forward to growing these disciplines and allowing God to care for my soul in the weeks and months to come.

PR1ME Spring Retreat

I want to issue a challenge for those of your who are in the PR1ME Ministry to make every effort to attend this year’s spring retreat. I humbly ask that you clear out your schedules for the days March 26 – 28 and make a sincere effort to come and worship the Lord. Without excuses, without feelings of apprehension, just come to the retreat with a desire to grow in the Lord. I have a burden to see you all attend because the messages will be specifically focused on developing your spiritual lives as single adults.

Our theme this year is “Undivided” from 1 Corinthians 7:35 which says, “I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

In this verse, Paul is speaking to the singles in the Church of Corinth. He says that singles have a unique gift in that their affections for God do not have to compete with the affections one might have for a spouse or for children. In this way, singles have a greater ability to give full devotion, full commitment, undivided affection to the Lord.

For this year’s retreat, we are very fortunate to learn from Pastor James Yim of Living Way Community Church (www.lwccla.org), where he currently serves as the lead pastor. I attended seminary with Pastor James and have witnessed his dedication to preaching the Word of God. He is a gifted teacher, speaking in truth with great clarity and relevance for the Christian life. Up at the retreat, he will deliver four messages – you really don’t want to miss this opportunity to soak in great teaching.

Just come. Together, let's intensify our devotion to Lord as we seek to give Him our UNDIVIDED affection.

A Taste of S.A.L.T. - Standing Around

by Ron Han

When I first started coming to Living Hope in 2006, I felt like the 15-20 minutes right after service were uncomfortable and awkward. Being new, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. Some days I stuck around to look for a familiar face, and some days I just rushed out to my car faster than Pete Carroll left town (sorry Trojans).

It's been about 3 1/2 years since I first visited Living Hope and a lot has changed. I'm more involved, I know more people, and now I feel like the 15-20 minutes right after service are....uncomfortable and awkward. Don't get me wrong, I'm genuinely happy to see people who I don't get to see during the week, and I'm truly grateful for the community that God has blessed me with at Living Hope. Yet, there's something about those few minutes right after service that are incredibly awkward to me.

Trying to get plugged into a new church, or any community, isn't easy. But I can't help but wonder what we can do to make that transition easier for newcomers. I'll always be grateful for those who, probably seeing me standing around looking very awkward, came to chat with me for a few minutes. Talk about an answer to prayer! I hope I can share that blessing with others.

If you're a Living Hope regular, I really encourage you to seek out those who aren't quite as comfortable. You'll be surprised what a relief even a 2 minute conversation can be in those situations. And if you're new to Living Hope and you're standing around after service feeling really awkward, look for me. I'll be the one feeling really awkward too.

Ron

Soul Care by Rebecca Cho

[from the November, 2009 issue of the Anvil]

For me, the Prime Ministry’s Soul Care Retreat began, ended, and continues even now with one verse: “Be still and know that I am God.” (Ps. 46:10)

A couple of months ago, Pastor David Kim first told the Single Adult Ministry Team (S.A.L.T.), of which I’m a member, about his desire for an intimate retreat designed for the attendees’ solitude and meditation on God. He had a desire to encourage prayer and reflection to be an integral part of each Primer’s spiritual walk.

As a result of Pastor David’s conviction, a group of about ten of us arrived on Friday, Nov. 16 at Aliso Creek Inn in Laguna Beach. After an ordeal, both humorous and suspenseful, that involved the substantially sized church van getting stuck in a parking space between a pole, a wall, and a truck (you had to be there), we retired to our rooms.

The next morning, we gathered in the women’s suite to sing songs and prepare for the day. The most difficult part of the retreat for me was the fact that there was no schedule. Apart from our meal times, we did not see each other and were left to ourselves. There was no cell phone or planner or internet competing for my attention and informing me how to fill my day.

As I sat the first morning of the retreat in a room of our suite with God’s words

before me, I thought about what I wanted out of my time here. I had signed up for the ministry’s first retreat designed to encourage godly solitude with a vague notion of slowing down and re- connecting with God away from the high-speed pace of my daily life.

I realized I had come to the retreat with a lot of demands from God—for answers, insights, and understanding about the trials I had faced in the past year. But as I continued to pray and just sit, God silenced all my demands with the above mentioned verse. The New American Standard Bible translated the same verse: “Cease striving and know that I am God.”

Those words hit me because in so many ways, I felt my life’s course, especially in the last year, had been one of striving—for the perfect career, friendships, family and church life. But in that verse, I saw that God did not bring me to this retreat to answer all my burning questions. He called me here to tell me to simply know Him.

I spent the rest of the day sitting on the sand and rocks of the chilly strip of beach nearby observing His creation, praying and jotting down my thoughts in a journal. In many ways, through the ceaseless rush of the waves pounding the jagged rocks and the profile of a lone fisherman working patiently in the morning fog, I saw God. I later took a nap in my room to give my body some rest.

Later in the evening, we went out near the beach where Pastor David grilled us

delicious burgers oozing with juice. In the eventual blackness created by the rolling fog and the night, we ate by the light of Pastor David’s iphone (which was the only phone kept on during the retreat to provide a means for our group to be reached).

Back at the suite, we had a special time of singing praise songs in one voice and sharing in a circle about our reasons for coming to the retreat and the convictions we received from God throughout the day. I was touched by the thirst I saw in each person for God and was amazed at how God spoke to each of us that day in a unique and personal way that was relevant to our different struggles.

The next day was Sunday and we ate breakfast and drove back to the Ministry Center in time to make it to Living Hope’s second service. I am continuing to reflect on God’s call to me to be still and know Him. And I am eager to hear stories of blessings from future attendees of the Soul Care Retreat. The next one will be on the weekend of January 22 at Arrowhead Pine Rose Cabins. I encourage all Primers to go, slow down, and sit still before a God who longs for you to hear His loving whispers, which too often get lost in the rush of our daily lives.